Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Why Presidential Politics & Professional Wrestling Don't Mix


In case you missed it last night, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain all appeared on World Wrestling Entertainment's Monday Night Raw program. As a man of the people and staunch populist, I concede that there is definitely something engaging about multi-millionaire presidential wannabes taking time out of their quest for the most powerful office in the world to pander directly to the unique block of voters who watches professional wrestling. While there was no face paint or spandex-that we know of-each of the three candidates mixed in catch phrases that would be near and dear to the hearts of WWE viewers.

Now, I'm not going to take this opportunity to trash professional wrestling fans as backwoods driving, confederate flag waving, Slim Jim eating, chromosome lacking, meth baking hicks, who would have a far better idea of what to do in their sister's bedroom than a voting booth. Okay, I couldn't resist, but let me confess that I used to be an avid supporter of WWE back when it was the World Wrestling Federation, and I still occasionally watch in hopes of spotting my favorite grappler, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, who must be closing in on 70 years old.

The problem I have with this situation is the same I have with George W. Bush and the anti-intellectual factions that are quick to denounce any activity that requires one to wear a shirt as being both un-American and not in touch with the real people in the heartland. To me, presidential discourse and debate should be conducted at an extremely high level in terms of the language used, the issues discussed, and the forum selected. Instead of having an election that has devolved into nothing but wrestling promos, Daily Show guest spots, and Saturday Night Live skits, perhaps the candidates could actually spend that time opining on what to do about the plethora of issues facing our country.

Unfortunately, some will label my views as elitist, but I believe that sentiment could not be further from the truth. While I would like to see the quality of the political debate raised, I am also for increasing access to that debate. In a perfect world, it would be nice to see coverage that goes beyond twenty second sound bites, and really allows candidates a chance to lay out their proposals.

Secondly, and let me make this abundantly clear, presidents and presidential candidates are not like you and I, no matter how folksy they try to appear. So let’s end the charade of them pretending to be regular people, and hold them to a higher standard befitting a world leader. Perhaps having to look upwards instead of downwards when listening to our political candidates might raise the rest of us up in the process.

I realize my assertion that presidential candidates have no place in wrestling runs into a bit of slippery slope, and one might ask where the proverbial line is drawn. I'll be the first to admit that I cannot say with certainty in all instances whether a TV show or engagement is befitting of presidential politics. However, I can say with the utmost confidence that if the program involves one of the candidates asking the audience repeatedly if they can "smell what he is cooking?," then that is a solid indicator the line has been crossed.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

9 Signs Your Boss Thinks You're An Idiot


If you notice three or more of the following, it is time for you to start looking for a new place of employment. If you regularly experience all nine, like me, then I would skip any spontaneous meetings called by Human Resources.

1). He compares you to Jim Halpert from The Office. A brief description of Jim: "A seven-year veteran of Dunder Mifflin, Jim insists the job is just an extended stop on his career path and once stated that if it were his career, he would throw himself in front of a train."

2). He enters your cube without knocking and simply stands behind you for several seconds with a perverse look on his face, swaying back and forth like a giddy school girl at a Justin Timberlake concert. He breaks the silence by asking, "Whatcha doing?," hoping beyond all hope that it's something not work related.

3). He tells you that you look bored in meetings, and that he knows you care, however you don't show it, and he's just telling you this because he wants other people to know how much you care. Sadly, for the record, you don't care.

4). He'll grow frustrated speaking with you and change the topic of the conversation from the project at hand to sports, leaning back into his chair and letting out a sigh, while asking your opinion of the playoffs, or Super Bowl predictions for 2011.

5). He uses you in analogies to describe tasks that are impossible. For example, with a deadline he believes cannot be met, he'll say something along the lines of, "That would be like asking Bradley to write a Supreme Court brief." After a moment of awkward silence, he'll feel bad, and come clean that he probably couldn't write a Supreme Court brief either.

6). He'll blatantly spy on you and then pretend to have randomly discovered the information in the course of his day. So he might say, "I was just talking with Mr. Smith about an unrelated matter, and you're name came up, and Mr. Smith told me that you need to be more of a presence in the room when you lead meetings." Translation: "I had specifically instructed Mr. Smith to watch every second of your performance before reporting back to me with a detailed e-mail, in which he noted that your meeting lacked the spirit crushing formality and anal reminders that are hallmarks of the legal profession."

7). He tells stories where the "whole team" was working really hard, but stops to point out that you were not present. He then goes on a tangent to describe what you were doing instead of work, ie attending a hockey game, going out to dinner with family, sitting in a room alone while having sexual thoughts about the corporate logo.

8). He vaguely mentions a promotion during a random office conversation, and never re-visits the topic again. When you try to bring up the subject months later, he makes blanket pronouncements about how cost concerns are putting a freeze on advancement for current employees. Two weeks later your co-worker, who has been wtih the company half the time you have, is promoted.

9). He tells you that he foresees you someday in a position with the government, basically saying you are lazy, wasteful, and lacking the intellectual capacity to hold down a private sector job where one can be let go for such shortcomings.

Feel free to add your own signs.


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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Online Dating Lessons: A Picture Is Worth More Than A 1,000 Words


Between 2003 and 2005, I posted profiles on numerous internet dating sites. From the mainstream cattle call that is Match.com, to the oddball appeal of the Onion personals, to the Hassidic loving goodness surrounding J-Dates, if there was a web site out there where one could insert a picture and a 300 word description, then I was probably on it.

The allure of these sites did not stem from personal desperation or the quest for a soul mate, but rather from my own notions of maximized efficiency. In other words, I liked the idea that while I was working, driving, or even sleeping, there was still a part of me out there trying to pick up women.

During these two years I learned that these women in question are, to nobody’s surprise, a mixed bag of varying quality, both in terms of physical appearance and personality. Being a shallow man, the main tool at my disposal for separating the wheat from the chaff was pictures, as I would generally ignore the written word in favor of time spent gawking at the professional pic, the party pic, and, with any luck, the much cherished bikini pic.

So for those still involved in the online dating scene, here is a little wisdom on interpreting photos from a guy who learned that one person’s “average” can very easily be another’s “morbidly obese.”


WOMEN TO AVOID

The head shot-A close up that extends from the forehead to the chin, usually not revealing anything more than a neckline. If she’s consistently hiding her body that means she’s either tired of men drooling over her flab free curves and ignoring her mind, or she’s got a lot to hide. In the online world, assuming the latter is a pretty safe bet.

The princess shot-Usually these girls will be preening in their most expensive outfits and on occasion they go so far as to actually wear a tiara, just in case you don’t get that they think of themselves as having descended from noble bloodlines, and thus should be treated in a manner consistent with their lofty heritage. Warning: If you ask these girls why a princess studies psychology at the local community college and drives an Accord they can be quick to anger.

The funny face shot-Some women really like to show their personality by making a goofball expression that distorts their features and inspires a chuckle, but sadly they are frequently the only ones amused. If I want a girl to make me laugh I’ll watch Sarah Silverman, otherwise, I would like to know what her face looks like with her eyes pointed forward and her tongue somewhere near her mouth.

The I’m with a guy shot-These lasses will frequently be shown sitting on the lap of that special someone, in a moment of affection probably mere seconds prior to him hauling her into the nearest rest room and ravishing her. This picture on a dating site evokes a common misunderstanding between the sexes, so allow me to clarify: When a woman sees a guy with a girl she is intrigued, when a man sees a girl with a guy he couldn't care less.

The I’m with a baby shot-A lot of girls will pose with children who don’t belong to them, which I’ve always found weird. Call me crazy, but when I first evaluate a girl, in person or online, my mental checklist isn’t hometown, favorite movie, skills necessary to effectively nurture offspring and ensure their sustained growth even in the harshest conditions. Check.

The I’m with my pet shot-These photos normally feature a proud pet owner cradling Fido or Meme the cat against their cheek so tenderly that it resembles an almost filial embrace. This type of girl already has love, which means that you will always be the clear #2 in her life to an animal that spends much of its day scavenging the carpet for crumbs and licking its crotch, behaviors she will surely not tolerate out of you. Think of your role more along the lines of financial support and potential breeding stock.


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