A Northeasterner’s Opinion on LA Fashion and Style

I was born and raised in New Jersey and before moving to LA last week had spent the last few years in Virginia. For me, decisions such as how to dress have always been based on one very simple question, “What do the ladies like?” In the straight laced Commonwealth of Virginia, this usually meant khaki pants, a button down shirt, and combed hair.

I wore this type of ensemble my very first night out in LA and it did not go over well, for it seems the women of Hollywood have embraced a look somewhere between multi-million dollar rock star and down and out homeless guy.

All night long I could see girls glancing at my hair and thinking, “Oh my God, you’ve gotten a haircut in the past month.” Then they would move down to my outfit, terribly disappointed that there were no visible holes or other indicators that I had slept in my clothes for the previous week.

Finally, they would move in for the ultimate test, getting close enough to realize that the smell emanating from my body was, gasp, soap! I had inadvertently committed the ultimate sin and bathed before the night’s festivities began.

Based on my research there are a few pointers I would give to anybody who wants to dress to impress on the LA club scene:

-Get tattoos. Lots of them. They don’t need to be good, relevant, or even identifiable, there just needs to be a lot of ink covering your arms, legs, and preferably neck.

-Wear an undershirt as a shirt. Once you’ve gone out and bought a six pack of wife beaters at the local Target don’t overcomplicate things by putting on a shirt over them. Keep it simple stupid.

- Stretch your earlobes with hideous metal piercings. A few weeks ago I would’ve wondered why anyone would want to do this. No longer. I now realize this is a great way to meet people. You can have conversations like, “Have you seen my earlobes? Oh, their hanging down by my chin. Thank you so much. It’s so hard to keep track of them these days.”

Those are my best observations thus far for anyone new trying to fit in with the fashion and style of Los Angeles. Rest assured that I will remain vigilant, and keep an eye out for any new trends that may emerge.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I found a guy on Craig’s List who will give me free tattoos in exchange for a couple platonic massages on his futon. Wish me luck.