Bradley's New Year's Resolutions

I will stop believing that dancing and dry humping are the same activity.

I will ensure that I no longer appear in pictures as drunk and queer (Drunk or queer maybe, but never again will I be both).

I will love myself less-in all ways.

I will love other people more, even those I loathe, who are many.

I will stop referring to myself as the the thinking man's Howie Mandel, the poor man's Zach Braff, or the white man's Marlon Wayans.

I will understand that a football stuffed in a beer scented brown paper bag is not an appropriate gift for a women, no matter how much she enjoys football and alcohol.

I will sleep less because 8 hours is the recommended amount of time to spend resting, not being awake.

I will no longer consider sex with unattractive women to be community service on par with that done by Habitat for Humanity or the Red Cross, nor will I argue that it be should be entitled to a charitable giving tax deduction.

I will recognize that lowering my belt beneath my gut so that I can use the same number of holes is not fooling anyone, and at the current rate of expansion I will soon be wearing it just above my knees.

I will not watch the Hills at 9pm Wednesdays on MTV and in so not watching I will be completely unaware of Lauren and Whitney's drudgery at Teen Vogue, the deterioration of Spencer and Heidi's relationship, and Adrianna's penchant for wearing tight, form-fitting tops.

I will downplay the contents of this list by January 2nd, and forget its existence entirely by January 4th.

[New Years] [Drunk] [The Hills] [Football] [Beer] [Zach Braff] [Howie Mandel] [Marlon Wayans] [Dry Humping]