Why Do Old Black Women Love Me?

I love the ladies, but my relationship with the opposite sex has been notoriously rocky. From my long period of forced celibacy-some people refer to this period as the 90s-to the good times that stretched from October to November of 2006, I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude during both moments of bounty and need.

This attitude includes being open to different types of women, regardless of race, ethnicity, or religion. When it comes to maintaining this spirit of opportunity, I find that among my friends I fall into the middle of a pretty wide continuum. For some of my boys, they will reject a girl based on an exhaustive set of criteria that Heidi Klum would have difficulty meeting. For others, a pulse and feminine gender seem to be the only key factors, as these walking Ellis Islands are loathe to turn away a willing partner, and should wear shirts reading, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."

While my experience has taught me to avoid stereotyping, I can't help but notice that there is one group of women who really seems to love me, and that's mature black women. Over the last few years, smitten black beauties with some extra miles on their tires have bought me free drinks at restaurants, snapped my picture for holiday cards, and giddily squeezed my biceps as though they belonged to Arnold Schwarzenegger in his pre-Last Action Hero Days.

The fervor is such that if you locked me in a house with Della Reese, Oprah, Toni Morrison, and the cast of Waiting to Exhale, there would be so many cat fights and hookups that Flavor Flav would be embarrassed. Thus far, no other girl, much less group of girls, has come close to matching this level of affection.


Even after years of observation, the reason behind this infatuation remains a mystery. If I had to speculate, I would say that the source might be my very fair, milky white skin tone combined with my clean cut, conservative attire. I think this look may be highly appealing to black women who grew up in an era before rap impresarios and moguls, when white men in suits were considered the epitome of wealth and success. Or maybe I'm simply mistaken as being albino, its hard to say.

Whatever the cause, I sincerely appreciate the attention, and hope the phenomena continues well into my nursing home days, so that I can at least get some senior center action prior to the great beyond. Until then, my only wish is that women in other demographics start taking notes on how I should be treated, because while black is beautiful, there's still a whole rainbow of girls out there.

[Waiting To Exhale] [Toni Morrison] [Della Reese] [Flavor Flav] [Last Action Hero] [Ellis Island] [Heidi Klum]