Super Bowl Sunday as the New Father's Day

I watched the Super Bowl yesterday at a friend’s house in Arlington. All of the attendees were Giants fans, with the exception of a lone, brooding Patriots fan who displayed the same arrogance and lack of sportsmanship we’ve come to expect from Belichick and company. Overall, it was a fun time, as there were plenty of people, beer, and cupcakes.

I was, and still am, shocked that the Giants won. Growing up in New Jersey, I’ve followed the team my entire life. While their victory was pleasing, this was not for me; this was for the hardcore fans. For those of you unfamiliar with the hierarchy of football fandom, allow me to break it down:

Hardcore fan: Daily uniform consists of red, white, and blue Giants zebra pants, white hi-top Reeboks, #56 jersey, mullet, and wrap around sun glasses. Staunchly anti-gay yet has nightly dreams of holding Phil Simms. Weeps after losses. Would attend Giants game over birth of first born child.

Regular fan: Watches most games on TV. Attendes one game per decade. Claps politely after Giants victory.

Speaking of first born children, not only was this a day for the hardcore Giants fans, but this was also a day for fathers. On a more personal level, I think about my friend who hosted the party. He has a 1 ½ year old son, and is a great Dad. From watching him and some other new Dads, I’ve picked up a few rites of passage that appear integral to modern fatherhood.

1). Once you have the baby, the first thing you do is go out and purchase a really good TV. I’m talking about a big screen, blue ray, Hi-def, surround sound monster complete with over a thousand channels and a TIVO.
2). Then you call up and order a piece of home fitness equipment, like a bow-flex or one of those total home gyms that claim you’ll get buff in only twenty minutes a day three times a week. The trick with this piece of equipment is you don’t actually use it, but you stick it in the corner of your basement, toss some clothes over it, and have it sitting there just in case you ever have the need to bang out some last minute bicep curls or leg extensions.
3). You get all kinds of baby equipment in manly colors. Diaper changers, baby carriers, and strollers now come in black, silver, and even camouflage for that Dad who still wants to look badass while cradling a newborn. Its like saying, “Once the little one finishes eating his stewed peas, and I change this diaper, you are so dead.”
4). Finally, you alter your speech patterns so that your voice shifts from a deep bass to a lighter, more delicate tone, making sure to end every other word in an “ey” sound. For example, whereas before you might say “Champ, put down that wire cutter before you get hurt,” as a new Dad you would say, “Champy, give Daddy the sharpy before you get an owy and go cry to Mommy.”

On a more national paternal level, I think about Eli Manning’s father Archie, who had to endure years of the fans and media lambasting his son Eli on everything from his performance to his aloof demeanor to his patchy facial hair, while his other son Peyton was winning a championship and being exalted as a football God in Indianapolis. Even Archie had to admit that Eli often looked like he was more cut out to be the assistant manager at a rural Georgia Waffle House than an NFL quarterback. Seeing brothers who were such polar opposites was a lot like the movie Twins, where Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character is perfect, a flawless specimen physically and mentally, while Danny Devito plays the short, unattractive brother described as being “all the crap that was left over.”

Prior to Sunday, Eli was in some respects the proverbial, “crap left over,” and I’m sure Archie had a few pep talks ready in case of a Giant’s loss. Fortunately, such speeches would prove unnecessary because Eli’s play propelled him into the stratosphere of New York sports legends. For Archie, the hardcore Giants fans, and all the other fathers out there, this Super Bowl victory exemplified the persistence, determination, and toughness they show every day. It also means that somewhere in Georgia there’s a Waffle House with an assistant manager opening, and it looks like their going to have to wait to fill it for at least one more year.

[Eli Manning] [Peyton Manning] [Archie Manning] [New York Giants] [Super Bowl] [Danny Devito] [Arnold Schwarzenegger] [Bill Belichick] [Phil Simms] [Waffle House]

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Subtle Racism in Sports

I'm sick. I probably have a cold, a flu, or pneumonia, but I'm not sure how to tell the difference. All I know is that I've got a wicked cough that makes my throat seize up, my whole body aches, and I can feel the fluid building in my nose. Not helping matters is that my project at work involves cutting and pasting thousands of zip codes into a spreadsheet, a task my boss has told me may or may not actually be needed.

Along with the shitty job, I blame my illness on the excitement from football last weekend. I watched the Giants game with "Irish" Patrick, who grew up on a cattle farm outside of Galway, and spent the entire contest with a glazed look on his face. His only moments of excitement came when he showed me the Blade Trilogy DVD Box Set he had recently purchased, which he then pressed to his chest, as though he wished that somehow the former vampire hunter and current tax evader Wesley Snipes could suckle from his bosom until he was strong enough to shoot Blade 4. When the final whistle blew, and a Giant's win was secure, I began raising my arms in victory, while Irish turned to me and asked, "Is the game over?" Obviously, my attempts at assimilating him into American culture have a long way to go.

Something else I noticed that has a long way to go is sportscaster's vocabularies, particularly when it comes to describing certain players. Obviously, there's the notorious Kelly Tilghman "lynching" comment in regards to Tiger Woods that has drawn so much well-deserved publicity, but the kind of language I'm talking about is often more subtle in nature. All one has to do is watch a regular football or basketball game, and they will find TV analysts use certain words exclusively to describe white players and other words only for black players. These are just a few examples likely to be heard on any given broadcast:

White Player/Black Player
1). Scrappy/Has a swagger
2). Shifty/Explosive
3). Moves well in the pocket/A threat to run
4). Needs to get more athletic/Needs to get more fundamentally sound
5). Reminds me of Ricky Proehl/Reminds me of Randy Moss
6). Stiff/Fluid
7). Typical Coach's son/A natural athlete
8). Heady/Emotional
9). Hard worker/Has so much God given ability
10). There's Mom and Dad in the stands/The whole family is here tonight

Look out for such descriptions next time you watch sports on TV and I guarantee you'll recognize at least a couple of these stereotypes. This overlooked form of discrimination does not appear to be malicious, and probably exists at a subconscious level, however, a little imagination and persistence could make such statements relics of the past. Not that it matters for Irish Patrick; he's got nine hours of movies to re-watch before I make him sit through the Super Bowl.

[Super Bowl] [Racism] [Sports] [New York Giants] [Blade] [Wesley Snipes] [Black Athletes] [White Athletes] [Randy Moss] [Ricky Proehl] [Tiger Woods] [Kelly Tilghman]

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Can a Real Man Cry?

Yesterday, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens broke down in tears following his team's playoff loss to the New York Giants. Because of the publicity generated by this incident, I'd like to delve into the issue of whether it is ever acceptable for a man to cry. Due to the complex interplay between societal norms, feminism, gender confusion, and systematic role reversal, the answer to such questions are not always obvious. However, as the official arbiter of what constitutes manly behavior, allow me to say that it is perfectly okay for a man to cry after losing a football game, particularly a playoff game to a hated divisional rival. Here are some other situations where it is acceptable for a man to exercise his tear ducts:

• Your dog dies-I'm talking about your dog, the 75-200lbs. mass of snoring, eating, slobbering loyalty named Tank, Duke, or Diesel, as opposed to the 1-10lbs. bow wearing, yelping, dainty, oversized rat she calls Fergie, Daisy, or Princess.
• Your Mexican hookup is being deported-Landscaping companies and Wal-mart aren't the only places where they've learned the value of immigrant labor over domestic. A girl from outside the United States will take care of you better and cheaper than any American woman, plus she'll even thank you for not forcing her to spend her weekends in an unairconditioned mini-van trying to smuggle drugs over the border.
• Your abducted by aliens-Yes, on the positive side, you might be used to breed with smoking uber-geek fantasy girls like Jeri Ryan and Jolene Blalock, however, the more likely scenario is you'll spend the rest of your days in a cage being prodded, probed, and poked by aliens who look strikingly similar to Alan Colmes of Fox News.

The following constitutes situations where it is never acceptable for a man to cry:

• Your tasered after pissing off campus security-Sometimes you want to be loud and belligerent at a public place where everybody will be able to see and react to your tantrum. One of the consequences may very well be a tasering by an underpaid, over worked security guard who has spent his whole career praying for a punk like you to come along so that he can finally tell his pals at the American Legion how it feels to unleash fifty thousand volts of fury upon an uncooperative suspect. Letting him see you cry would only serve as the cherry on top of his fantasy, so try to relax and keep your violent twitching to a minimum by thinking of a calm place.
• Your watching a movie other than Rudy-Watching little Rudy Rudiger get his chance to play for Notre Dame is the most emotional scene in movie history, and may elicit a tear or two. However, developing the slightest trace of moisture over Titanic, anything with Meg Ryan from the 1990s, or a flick with a soundtrack featuring the Goo Goo Dolls is totally unacceptable. If this does occur, my advice is to proceed to your local video store, rent Gladiator, and watch it non-stop for twenty days.
• Your picked as the next American Idol-Congratulations, America has chosen you as the next American Idol. Paula is exuberant, Simon has complimented you, Randy is barking, and Ryan Seacrest will have sex with you; if you're a dude. Career wise, this victory means you've got a three month window of modest notoriety before you're back working at the Olive Garden and recording on an independent label because you're tired of being stifled creatively by the big label system with all of it's crappy exposure and resources.

There you have it. The above situations provide today's man with the perfect guideline of where and when he is allowed to weep. If you're ever in doubt over a situation, just remember this quote by my good friend Nora Ephron: "Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own." So with that, lets give props to Nora for her reverse discrimination and double standards, and to Terrell Owens, for showing that a guy can cry in public, as long as it's about football.

[Terrell Owens] [Dallas Cowboys] [Alan Colmes] [Fox News] [Nora Ephron]

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