Reasons to Love the Metric System

I'm not sure why, but I've always opposed the metric system. Perhaps it’s because it uses measurements that I just don't understand. For example, what is a kilogram? Exactly, nobody knows outside of math majors and a couple of snooty, crepe eating, beret wearing Frenchmen living atop one of those idyllic hill towns in Provence that nestles around the Mediterranean and reeks of Fromage de chevre aka goat cheese.

However, my views may have recently changed, as I was speaking with a friend (NOT ME) who confided in me that he was only packing five inches (Again it’s NOT ME). He was afraid that his girl might leave him for a guy with a little more substance and wanted some advice. After our laughter, alright my laughter, stopped an hour later, I had an epiphany. Sitting down at the computer I googled "five inches" and was shocked to discover that in the metric system my friend's embarrassing measurement transforms into a pu-nanny slaying, lung puncturing 12 centimeters! I told him to throw out his old rulers with their inches and proclamations of inadequacy, because tonight he could proudly tell his girl that she would be getting the full 12.

Apparently, the full 12 centimeters isn't as appealing as I had first thought, because a couple weeks later they had broken up. He says the split had to do with personal reasons and not the fact that he's hung like a baby field mouse born three months premature, but who knows the truth. Before you start feeling too badly for him, you should know that my boy is already dating a new girl he swears will be the one he marries, which has really pissed me off and is no doubt going to set me off on another diatribe.

So here it goes: The best rationale I have heard for marriage is that once you attain a certain age and all your friends break off into pairs, it’s inevitable that the urge to mate will spring from sheer boredom. The transition from young and single to ancient and undesirable can take place overnight, and the reaction it spurs occasionally makes forging a relationship with another human being feel as though it were some sadistic game of musical chairs, where the music has stopped and everyone has begun scurrying for that last open seat. This final chair, perhaps once frequently overlooked, has suddenly become much more inviting, as the change in circumstances have made its availability alluring in a way it couldn’t be three years earlier. No one I know wants to find themselves in the midst of the mad scramble for that final empty seat, nor do they want to be that broken down chair covered by a thick layer of but sweat and plagued by a sunken middle and crusty edges, so they grab the best available seat and cling to it for dear life.

And this is why there are problems down the road my friends. Nature is nothing if not cruel and ironic, for the longer you spend with your women the more she will want you and the less you will want her. This fate makes the Black Widow, who devours her mate immediately after the courtship ritual, seem kind, because at least she doesn't prolong the agony, whereas in humans, the man will get bored sexually, and then his wife wants to know why they have become more roommates than lovers. Faced with this situation, he will do what men have been doing for centuries; he will lie to her, always, often, and completely.

Today's lie de jour for men is that he's impotent and needs to see a doctor, as explaining this is far easier than even the mere suggestion that the lack of passion might come from the fact he no longer finds his wife appealing in that way. Men will pop drugs with names like Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. It doesn't matter that these drugs have side effects or were probably cooked up to breed farm animals. In reality, the drugs could be labeled fast acting Ebola and most men would prefer taking them than having to tell their wife the truth, ie that there is nothing wrong physically and after fifteen years even the idea of bending Phyllis the neighborhood bag lady over her shopping cart sounds pretty damn appealing.

I am not married yet, but statistics show I probably will be some day. And when I am, and my wife is yelling at me for not taking out the garbage while simultaneously trying to consume a tub of mashed potatoes, I will scream impotency at the top of my lungs until a task force of pharmacists breaks through the windows of our bedroom, hands me a few pills, and gets me so drugged up I could play major league baseball, or, if that doesn't work out, have sex with my wife.


[Marriage] [Baseball] [Viagra] [Metric System] [Musical Chairs] [Black Widow] [Impotence] [Pharmacist]

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What day is complete without midget wrestling?

There has been a lot of news lately about the dangers of professional wrestling, but I like to remember the good times. Here's a photo of some of my favorite grapplers from the 1970s, when bad hair and man boobs could only help one's career.

[Man Boobs] [Midget Wrestling] [Bad Hair]

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2007's Sexiest Men Alive?

Its that time of year friends. There's a chill in the air, and we're coming to the end of the calendar, which can only mean one thing: People magazine is going to unveil it's list of the Sexiest Men Alive. Not to give too much away, but the winner this year was not me. I finished fourth, sandwiched in between Brad Pitt and George Clooney. For the record, lets all agree never to use me, Pitt, Clooney, and the word sandwich in the same sentence again.

The actual winner this year was Matt Damon of Good Will Hunting and Bourne Identity fame. Apparently the criteria for the folks over at People includes mediocre acting and spending an entire film crazy glued to Greg Kinnear. Alright, enough hating on Matt Damon and his fraudulent victory. Its important to remember that I'm just entering the peak years of my loiny goodness, and besides, there's plenty of opportunities for all us young bucks in Hollywood to be bitten by the bloated, Lyme disease inducing tick that is pointless list making.

With that in mind, I'm composing my own list this year and its called 2007's Sexiest Men Alive? These scientifically proven rankings count down all those men we thought were dead but somehow aren't.



1). Carrot Top-I know he's still around. Maybe its just wishful thinking.

2). Keanu Reeves-No doubt exhausted from his research for the Matrix films, he's probably sitting on a beach somewhere making the Keanu face, a potent glare that melds total confusion, sheer wonder, and a self-assured smile into a look that suits every role.

3). John Stamos-I originally wrote that outside of Full House re-runs nobody has seen him in years. It was later pointed out to me that he is currently featured on what must be the 30th season of ER. I stand by my earlier statement.

4). Matt Le Blanc-Just the mention of his name makes me nostalgic for David Schwimmer and that monkey. I hear the monkey is now doing porn in South America. Sadly, the way his career is going, Le Blanc may not be far behind.

5). Tom Green-The Canadian funny man once famous for showing his bum and sucking on cow utters now has his own internet show, joining the likes of Lonely Girl and Muscle Beach. That's creative, an internet show is so 2006, why don't you just be really old-fashioned and start a blog...oh.


[Sexiest Man Alive] [Tom Green] [Matt Damon] [David Schwimmer] [Matt Le Blanc] [George Clooney] [Brad Pitt] [John Stamos] [Carrot Top] [Keanu Reeves]

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Ohio Girls

So I had a date last night with a pretty cute girl from Destro's old hood in Ohio. She loved the Browns, Buckeyes, and Cedar Point. She even bitched about how expensive it is in the Northeast, just like Destro. Things seemed to be going pretty well, that is until she decided to describe some of her many physical ailments.

Apparently, this girl suffers from TMJ, which is a jaw disease that causes severe pain, headaches, and best of all, locking! But it got better, she also was in a car accident and now has a bad back, so she can't lift anything over five pounds or bend over. After about fifteen minutes of this medical confessional she looks up at me with these sad eyes seeking out solace and understanding in what would no doubt be a sensitive and comforting reply. My resonse: "Lets drop you off before its too late."

This is unbelievable. Maybe now I need to conduct pre-date physicals. I thought Ohio girls were tough? If only I were an ear man, she didn't mention anything wrong with them. Back to the drawing board.


[Ohio] [TMJ] [Cleveland Browns] [Locking]

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