States Worse Than New Jersey

I was born and raised in New Jersey. To me, the Garden State is more than just big hair, Italian gangsters, and funny accents. It’s more than an area of 8,729 square miles that has produced luminaries such as John Bon Jovi, Jack Nicholson, and Shaquille O’Neal. It’s more than the bastion of wealth that boasts an overly educated and high earning population, yet also has within it’s borders two cities ranked among the ten most dangerous in America. To me, the land mass that stretches from the Jersey shore to Hoboken produces people with an attitude, energy, and outlook on life so staggeringly unique that whenever I hear it’s name one word dominates my subconscious, and that’s home.

Even as an unbiased native, I’ll be the first to admit that New Jersey is not without its quirks. Those rolling hills bordering the turnpike are actually overflowing landfills (On the positive side it was recently announced that all our landfill space is full!). That guy walking down the street in an undershirt wasn’t planning on wearing anything over that. And a fat cat isn’t an obese feline, but rather a heart attack inducing sandwich comprised of two cheeseburgers, French fries, lettuce, tomato, and onions crammed onto a single sub roll.

I love all of these things, but living in Virginia the last few years, I’ve discovered that the sentiment is not mutual. In fact, there are a lot of folks around here who openly dismiss Jersey as an “armpit;” code for a festering black hole of shit from which nothing good could ever emerge.

I encountered one such hater two weeks ago, and upon our first meeting she had no trouble launching into a fifteen minute diatribe about what she believed to be the many deficiencies of my home state. When I inquired where she was from, she replied, “Indiana.” Sadly, such encounters with total ignorance are not unique.

So in an effort to combat the confusion that exists, I’m going to return the favor, and list all the states I’ve visited that are far worse than New Jersey.

1. Kentucky-Just take a look at who wears those, “Getting Lucky in Kentucky” t-shirts, multiply by 4 million, and you’ll understand.
2. Mississippi-The state with the worst education system inexplicably has the hardest name to spell.
3. Indiana-I’m naturally suspicious of any people who would willingly refer to themselves as “Hoosiers.”
4. Alabama-Here they go out of their way to recognize the things that are truly important, like God, football, and incest.
5. Delaware-Home of tax free shopping is the perfect target for annexation by New Jersey.
6. Utah-How a can a place filled with preachy Mormons, polygamists, and an NBA team have so little alcohol?
7. New Hampshire-State motto is Live Free or Die, and after visiting the latter option didn't sound so bad.
8. Arkansas-This state’s biggest industry is poultry farming, which makes it the perfect spot to visit if you happen to love chicken poop.
9. North Dakota-You know things are bad when your citizens are jealous of those who get to live in the frozen emptiness that is South Dakota.
10. Michigan-People here will show you their town’s location by pointing it out on their hand because they think it looks like the shape of the state. From what I’ve seen, they’d be more accurate using their ass.

[New Jersey] [Bon Jovi] [Jack Nicholson] [Shaquille O'Neal] [Indiana] [Michigan] [Arkansas] [Fat Cat] [Landfill]