Super Bowl Sunday as the New Father's Day

I watched the Super Bowl yesterday at a friend’s house in Arlington. All of the attendees were Giants fans, with the exception of a lone, brooding Patriots fan who displayed the same arrogance and lack of sportsmanship we’ve come to expect from Belichick and company. Overall, it was a fun time, as there were plenty of people, beer, and cupcakes.

I was, and still am, shocked that the Giants won. Growing up in New Jersey, I’ve followed the team my entire life. While their victory was pleasing, this was not for me; this was for the hardcore fans. For those of you unfamiliar with the hierarchy of football fandom, allow me to break it down:

Hardcore fan: Daily uniform consists of red, white, and blue Giants zebra pants, white hi-top Reeboks, #56 jersey, mullet, and wrap around sun glasses. Staunchly anti-gay yet has nightly dreams of holding Phil Simms. Weeps after losses. Would attend Giants game over birth of first born child.

Regular fan: Watches most games on TV. Attendes one game per decade. Claps politely after Giants victory.

Speaking of first born children, not only was this a day for the hardcore Giants fans, but this was also a day for fathers. On a more personal level, I think about my friend who hosted the party. He has a 1 ½ year old son, and is a great Dad. From watching him and some other new Dads, I’ve picked up a few rites of passage that appear integral to modern fatherhood.

1). Once you have the baby, the first thing you do is go out and purchase a really good TV. I’m talking about a big screen, blue ray, Hi-def, surround sound monster complete with over a thousand channels and a TIVO.
2). Then you call up and order a piece of home fitness equipment, like a bow-flex or one of those total home gyms that claim you’ll get buff in only twenty minutes a day three times a week. The trick with this piece of equipment is you don’t actually use it, but you stick it in the corner of your basement, toss some clothes over it, and have it sitting there just in case you ever have the need to bang out some last minute bicep curls or leg extensions.
3). You get all kinds of baby equipment in manly colors. Diaper changers, baby carriers, and strollers now come in black, silver, and even camouflage for that Dad who still wants to look badass while cradling a newborn. Its like saying, “Once the little one finishes eating his stewed peas, and I change this diaper, you are so dead.”
4). Finally, you alter your speech patterns so that your voice shifts from a deep bass to a lighter, more delicate tone, making sure to end every other word in an “ey” sound. For example, whereas before you might say “Champ, put down that wire cutter before you get hurt,” as a new Dad you would say, “Champy, give Daddy the sharpy before you get an owy and go cry to Mommy.”

On a more national paternal level, I think about Eli Manning’s father Archie, who had to endure years of the fans and media lambasting his son Eli on everything from his performance to his aloof demeanor to his patchy facial hair, while his other son Peyton was winning a championship and being exalted as a football God in Indianapolis. Even Archie had to admit that Eli often looked like he was more cut out to be the assistant manager at a rural Georgia Waffle House than an NFL quarterback. Seeing brothers who were such polar opposites was a lot like the movie Twins, where Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character is perfect, a flawless specimen physically and mentally, while Danny Devito plays the short, unattractive brother described as being “all the crap that was left over.”

Prior to Sunday, Eli was in some respects the proverbial, “crap left over,” and I’m sure Archie had a few pep talks ready in case of a Giant’s loss. Fortunately, such speeches would prove unnecessary because Eli’s play propelled him into the stratosphere of New York sports legends. For Archie, the hardcore Giants fans, and all the other fathers out there, this Super Bowl victory exemplified the persistence, determination, and toughness they show every day. It also means that somewhere in Georgia there’s a Waffle House with an assistant manager opening, and it looks like their going to have to wait to fill it for at least one more year.

[Eli Manning] [Peyton Manning] [Archie Manning] [New York Giants] [Super Bowl] [Danny Devito] [Arnold Schwarzenegger] [Bill Belichick] [Phil Simms] [Waffle House]