A Straight Guy Reviews Dancing With The Stars

I know I'm a little slow when it comes to keeping pace with the latest TV juggernauts, or the "water cooler" shows that people are always discussing, dissecting, and downright obsessing over. For example, I've never seen more than a few minutes of 24, The Wire, House, Entourage, Sex and the City, The Office, Friends, American Idol, and, to my great embarrassment due to my Italian American heritage and Jersey roots, The Sopranos.

Part of the reason might be that I still love 80s TV. To me, the greatest show ever aired was Airwolf on NBC from 1984-87. The premise was brilliant, revolving around a top secret government super weapon that was part helicopter, part jet. And who is the perfect person to pilot this expensive and lethal piece of state of the art equipment? Why none other than Stringfellow Hawke, a role capably managed by raging alcoholic Jan Michael Vincent, only a few short years before he started crashing his car into private residences.

Vincent's right hand man and co-pilot on these adventures was Ernest Borgnine. In my humble opinion, you can keep Maverick from Top Gun, Borgnine is the greatest co-pilot in entertainment history, and there is nobody I'd rather have letting me know there's a heat seeking missile on my tail at twelve o'clock then the stout former McHale's Navy star and current 91 year old AARP member.

In spite of this nostalgia for 80s TV, I felt the need to expand my horizons, to branch out and soak in the sweet nectar that is a modern television hit. So I decided to tune into Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday night for the ladies competition. Being secure in my masculinity, and having taken a free salsa class from the world renowned dancer Rosa De La Hurricana at the Landmark Mall in 2005, I felt confident that I could handle watching an hour of one of ABC's hit programs.

In reality, I struggled through fifteen minutes, and finally shut off the TV in disgust after a close up of Steve Guttenberg, who was either an enthusiastic audience member, or one of the male contestants.

On the positive side, there were a lot of exposed nipples throughout the show, unfortunately, they all belonged to dudes. I am not a homophobe, but for the sake of diversity is it to much to ask for there to be one straight guy on the program. All the men were either clearly flaming, or had an indecipherable European accent, which in my mind also makes them gay.

As far as the ladies themselves, I caught the performances of former Olympic figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi, deaf Academy Award Winner Marlee Matlin, and rock royalty Priscilla Pressley. I have no idea what dances they did or what music accompanied them, however, I do know that I would probably have sex with all three, even Priscilla, who at 64 remains a definite GILF.

Looking back upon the experience, I am glad that I got at least a brief glimpse into the world of modern entertainment, where lavish sets and high resolution pictures are buttressed by non-stop hype machines saturating the market. That said, I don’t think I'll go back anytime soon, since I can always catch a show from the 80s on re-runs or DVD. Say what you want about the quality of Airwolf, outside of the occasional shot of Ernest Borgnine in a wife-beater, it’s always nipple free.

[Dancing With the Stars] [The Wire] [Entourage][Sex and the City][The Office][American Idol][The Sopranos] [Airwolf] [Jan Michael Vincent][Ernest Borgnine][Maverick] [Top Gun] [Marlee Matlin][Priscilla Presley][Kristi Yamaguchi]
[Steve Guttenberg]
[GILF]