Online Dating Lessons: A Picture Is Worth More Than A 1,000 Words

Between 2003 and 2005, I posted profiles on numerous internet dating sites. From the mainstream cattle call that is Match.com, to the oddball appeal of the Onion personals, to the Hassidic loving goodness surrounding J-Dates, if there was a web site out there where one could insert a picture and a 300 word description, then I was probably on it.

The allure of these sites did not stem from personal desperation or the quest for a soul mate, but rather from my own notions of maximized efficiency. In other words, I liked the idea that while I was working, driving, or even sleeping, there was still a part of me out there trying to pick up women.

During these two years I learned that these women in question are, to nobody’s surprise, a mixed bag of varying quality, both in terms of physical appearance and personality. Being a shallow man, the main tool at my disposal for separating the wheat from the chaff was pictures, as I would generally ignore the written word in favor of time spent gawking at the professional pic, the party pic, and, with any luck, the much cherished bikini pic.

So for those still involved in the online dating scene, here is a little wisdom on interpreting photos from a guy who learned that one person’s “average” can very easily be another’s “morbidly obese.”


WOMEN TO AVOID

The head shot-A close up that extends from the forehead to the chin, usually not revealing anything more than a neckline. If she’s consistently hiding her body that means she’s either tired of men drooling over her flab free curves and ignoring her mind, or she’s got a lot to hide. In the online world, assuming the latter is a pretty safe bet.

The princess shot-Usually these girls will be preening in their most expensive outfits and on occasion they go so far as to actually wear a tiara, just in case you don’t get that they think of themselves as having descended from noble bloodlines, and thus should be treated in a manner consistent with their lofty heritage. Warning: If you ask these girls why a princess studies psychology at the local community college and drives an Accord they can be quick to anger.

The funny face shot-Some women really like to show their personality by making a goofball expression that distorts their features and inspires a chuckle, but sadly they are frequently the only ones amused. If I want a girl to make me laugh I’ll watch Sarah Silverman, otherwise, I would like to know what her face looks like with her eyes pointed forward and her tongue somewhere near her mouth.

The I’m with a guy shot-These lasses will frequently be shown sitting on the lap of that special someone, in a moment of affection probably mere seconds prior to him hauling her into the nearest rest room and ravishing her. This picture on a dating site evokes a common misunderstanding between the sexes, so allow me to clarify: When a woman sees a guy with a girl she is intrigued, when a man sees a girl with a guy he couldn't care less.

The I’m with a baby shot-A lot of girls will pose with children who don’t belong to them, which I’ve always found weird. Call me crazy, but when I first evaluate a girl, in person or online, my mental checklist isn’t hometown, favorite movie, skills necessary to effectively nurture offspring and ensure their sustained growth even in the harshest conditions. Check.

The I’m with my pet shot-These photos normally feature a proud pet owner cradling Fido or Meme the cat against their cheek so tenderly that it resembles an almost filial embrace. This type of girl already has love, which means that you will always be the clear #2 in her life to an animal that spends much of its day scavenging the carpet for crumbs and licking its crotch, behaviors she will surely not tolerate out of you. Think of your role more along the lines of financial support and potential breeding stock.

[Online Dating] [Sarah Silverman] [Match.com] [J-Dates] [The Onion]