MOVING TO LA: Can a Real Man Cry?

Yesterday, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens broke down in tears following his team's playoff loss to the New York Giants. Because of the publicity generated by this incident, I'd like to delve into the issue of whether it is ever acceptable for a man to cry. Due to the complex interplay between societal norms, feminism, gender confusion, and systematic role reversal, the answer to such questions are not always obvious. However, as the official arbiter of what constitutes manly behavior, allow me to say that it is perfectly okay for a man to cry after losing a football game, particularly a playoff game to a hated divisional rival. Here are some other situations where it is acceptable for a man to exercise his tear ducts:

Your dog dies-I'm talking about your dog, the 75-200lbs. mass of snoring, eating, slobbering loyalty named Tank, Duke, or Diesel, as opposed to the 1-10lbs. bow wearing, yelping, dainty, oversized rat she calls Fergie, Daisy, or Princess.
Your Mexican hookup is being deported-Landscaping companies and Wal-mart aren't the only places where they've learned the value of immigrant labor over domestic. A girl from outside the United States will take care of you better and cheaper than any American woman, plus she'll even thank you for not forcing her to spend her weekends in an unairconditioned mini-van trying to smuggle drugs over the border.
Your abducted by aliens-Yes, on the positive side, you might be used to breed with smoking uber-geek fantasy girls like Jeri Ryan and Jolene Blalock, however, the more likely scenario is you'll spend the rest of your days in a cage being prodded, probed, and poked by aliens who look strikingly similar to Alan Colmes of Fox News.

The following constitutes situations where it is never acceptable for a man to cry:

Your tasered after pissing off campus security-Sometimes you want to be loud and belligerent at a public place where everybody will be able to see and react to your tantrum. One of the consequences may very well be a tasering by an underpaid, over worked security guard who has spent his whole career praying for a punk like you to come along so that he can finally tell his pals at the American Legion how it feels to unleash fifty thousand volts of fury upon an uncooperative suspect. Letting him see you cry would only serve as the cherry on top of his fantasy, so try to relax and keep your violent twitching to a minimum by thinking of a calm place.
Your watching a movie other than Rudy-Watching little Rudy Rudiger get his chance to play for Notre Dame is the most emotional scene in movie history, and may elicit a tear or two. However, developing the slightest trace of moisture over Titanic, anything with Meg Ryan from the 1990s, or a flick with a soundtrack featuring the Goo Goo Dolls is totally unacceptable. If this does occur, my advice is to proceed to your local video store, rent Gladiator, and watch it non-stop for twenty days.
Your picked as the next American Idol-Congratulations, America has chosen you as the next American Idol. Paula is exuberant, Simon has complimented you, Randy is barking, and Ryan Seacrest will have sex with you; if you're a dude. Career wise, this victory means you've got a three month window of modest notoriety before you're back working at the Olive Garden and recording on an independent label because you're tired of being stifled creatively by the big label system with all of it's crappy exposure and resources.

There you have it. The above situations provide today's man with the perfect guideline of where and when he is allowed to weep. If you're ever in doubt over a situation, just remember this quote by my good friend Nora Ephron: "Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own." So with that, lets give props to Nora for her reverse discrimination and double standards, and to Terrell Owens, for showing that a guy can cry in public, as long as it's about football.