Tale of the Tape: David Hasselhoff vs. Roger Clemens

Today I was sitting in the cube thinking about two of my favorite people, Roger Clemens and David Hasselhoff. In particular, I spent an hour going back and forth over which one of them is the bigger star. For newcomers to my blog, you should be aware that, yes, I hate my job, yes I have too much free time, and yes, these are exactly the types of pointless issues I struggle with on a fairly regular basis.

I tried to compare both men based on an impartial set of criteria, and these are my findings.

NICKNAME

Hasselhoff: The Hoff

Clemens: The Rocket

Edge: Clemens

BELOVED BY

Hasselhoff: Tone deaf Germans

Clemens: Texas rednecks

Edge: Even

ASSOCIATES

Hasselhoff: bouncy blonde lifeguards, a talking car, puppies

Clemens: Brian Mcnamee, Andy Petite, lawyers

Edge: Hasselhoff

MORE MEMORABLE QUOTE

Hasselhoff: “There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me.”

Clemens: “I think he misremembers”

Edge: Clemens

LESS EMBARASSING MOMENT

Hasselhoff: Videotape of being drunk eating a cheeseburger

Clemens: Accused of letting another man stick needles in his ass

Edge: Hasselhoff

BRIGHTER FUTURE

Hasselhoff: Vegas stage shows and Knight Rider cameos

Clemens: Prison

Edge: Even

According to my count there’s a tie, which is admittedly kind of weak. If anybody wants to cast the deciding vote, be my guest. If not, the debate may end, since I really need to delete this image of David Hasselhoff from my computer before IT security runs it's weekly porno sweeps. I'm all about uncomfortable moments, but even I would like to avoid a conversation with my boss about why I keep an image of a naked, puppy covered Hoff on my desktop.

[Roger Clemens] [David Hasselhoff] [Andy Petite] [Brian Mcnamee] [Knight Rider]