How to Get Fired with Dignity

It's hard to believe that someone could ever fire me, but thus far it’s happened twice in my life. The first instance was 1993, when I was 13 and employed by the local Red Roof Inn as a Handyman/Pool Boy. On my third day I was called into a room to unclog a toilet, but after two days, three bottles of Mr. Plumber, and a mild chemical burn, I was forced to turn in my tool belt. Sadly, I hadn't even gotten a chance to start my pool boy duties.

The second incident was slightly more devastating because I was 26 and a recent graduate from law school. My boss, Lola, was a bi-polar kleptomaniac who frequently gave me conflicting instructions, depending on which personality was in charge. The secretary, Clara, was an inept nymphomaniac who was in between giving birth to babies with anonymous fathers. Eventually, I decided it would be more productive for me to spend my days reading at the Barnes & Noble. This went on for about three months until I was invited to a meeting with HR one morning. Just a hint, when your boss invites you to a meeting with HR and doesn't give you a reason, it will probably not be good.

The year following my dismissal was easily the worst of my life to that point. I went on unemployment, moved back home with Mom, and attempted to deal with my mounting anxiety by taking walks around the neighborhood for up to three hours at a time. Yes, I was that dazed looking guy walking through the neighborhood in an undershirt at 3pm on a Tuesday. I also composed the following as a mini-tutorial for those who find themselves in a similar situation.



Once the shock wears off, one of the most difficult things you’ll face in losing your job will be telling your friends and family that you are no longer among the employed. I believe that some of the methods I utilized to explain the situation could be of assistance to you regardless of your audience. The first and most important lesson deals with terminology. Never, under any circumstances, use the term “fired” to describe what happened to your job. Sadly, this word is permeated with strong connotations of incompetence that will haunt you the rest of your life. Basically, if you screwed up, you shouldn’t want people to know about it, and even if you were let go for reasons that had nothing to do with your performance, nobody will believe that when you tell them you’ve been fired.

Luckily, there is a wide range of more appropriate language that you may rely upon when relating the harrowing tale of what happened to your position; words such as downsized, moved, laid off, outsourced, re-structured, and vaporized all relate that your job is gone, but also convey a sense that you are not the culprit, that you’re just another victim of those no good Wall Street billionaires selling out the country again. I chose to go with the term “laid off,” and for good measure added a profanity laden comment or two lambasting the unfairness of life and the pitfalls of free will.

One caveat is that it does help to go with a term appropriate to your field, as you should ask yourself whether you can expect anyone to truly believe your job at the Chuck E. Cheese was outsourced to India? Or merely vaporized? Even with this poor choice of words, most individuals would rather lie to themselves than accept the fact that someone they know and care about is unable to hold down a job at a restaurant with “Cheese” in the title. For those of you who don’t work at Chuck E. Cheese, the people who love you will usually still give you the benefit of the doubt.

In addition to how you phrase losing your job, another important detail is making sure that you have an “out” when telling certain people what happened. At the head of the groups you need an out when dealing with are those prone to emotional outbursts, as well as those you expect to be particularly hard hit by your dismissal. In times like these, being able to get away from them so that they have an opportunity to calm down can be of critical importance. Remember, losing your job is a draining process, and if you become forced to spend your valuable reserves crying and engaging in wild shouting matches, then you might not have the energy to lie on the couch and watch Dr. Phil fix a dysfunctional relationship by exposing its deficiencies to millions of television viewers.

Several options that I recommend to effectively and safely communicate the news that you’ve been ditched include calling from a safe distance, yelling from a moving bus, or simply cowering in the fetal position. Each option will supply you with the precious seconds necessary for a quick escape. However, I must add as a precautionary measure that if you do attempt to communicate through public transportation, you should try to focus on local buses and avoid those marked Cleveland.

I preferred the calling from a safe distance approach, and used it to relay to Mom my new status. I dialed her from Philadelphia, a solid two hours away from the family home in New Jersey, to explain that I had been “laid off.” Once she understood that “laid off” meant I would no longer be working at the firm, I braced myself for the torrent of crying that I was sure would ensue. I had my finger ready to set off the timer on the dryer when Mom, in a fairly calm manner, said, “I’m not surprised. I had a feeling the other day that this might happen.”

Remarkably, Mom was hardly alone in suspecting that my job might not last very long, as most people expressed similar sentiments. I wasn’t expecting family members and loved ones overcome by astonishment to fall to their knees and let out a resounding “Why Joel? Why sweet Joel?,” but a hint of surprise in their voice would’ve been a welcomed touch.

Apart from the questions raised about my mental state and suitability for permanent employment, my experience also illustrates that telling people you’ve lost your job does not have to be a stressful exercise. By carefully crafting the language you use in your story, as well as always having an out when dealing with difficult individuals, you can minimize the chances of having the majority of the blame placed at your doorstep. Keep in mind, that while it may appear at first glance that most people savvy enough too successfully carry out these steps wouldn’t have been let go in the first place, with enough preparation, you too can blanket the stench of your failure in the sweet smelling potpourri of half-truths and avoidance.

[Fired] [Laid Off] [Pool Boy] [India]